The Pouty Lip Apocalypse June 10, 2009
Posted by troyjen in humor.Tags: apocalypse, humor, models, pouty lips, resident evil, TV
2 comments
Its the end of the world as we know it, and she looks FINE!
I’ve never really understood our cultural obsession with the Apocalypse. Why are we transfixed by the concept of end-o-da-world? Has the travesty of the Susan Boyle loss, shaken our belief in modern society to such an extent that we postulate that some zombie/ape/Morlock takeover would be preferable?
Look, I mean, I don’t really want to world to end. Some of my favorite people live there. Alright, I kind of want virtual worlds to end (My Second Life crisis et al) but that’s just because I had a bad experience in the 80’s – one piece of advice…..never cross Max Headrom.
However, this weekend, I had a moment of zenlike enlightenment.
TV is still my main source of intellectual stimulation, and I caught a little documentary like feature on our future post Apocalyptic world……Resident Evil: Extinction. And now, I too am psyched about this planet’s Apocalyptic potential!
You see, apparently the only people to survive the Apocalypse of some kind of zombie disease thing are 18-24 year old super models with pouty lips (luckily the demise of civilization did not reduce access to collagen). Actually, come to think of it, that is probably why most of the men are zombies – sort of like Hooters after a Raider game. Men stumbling awkwardly toward women way out of their league saying things like “ugh, me buy drink you for, ugh”. Of course being male could be considered a zombie like disease anyway.
This just in……biblical scholars now release a glaring mistranslation of ancient Hebrew text. It was really the four “hotties” of the apocalypse. Oh and the number of the beast is really 310 – the area code for Beverly Hills (that Spencer has some nerve).
But alas, all does not end well in this Hypereal depiction of days to come. The majority of the cast is quickly devoured by flesh eating mutants because of their lack of even an ounce of acting ability (pouty lips alone cannot help a plot move forward). Ok truthfully I don’t really know how the movie ends because my wife walked into my little dystopic wonderland, rolled her eyes, and turned the channel to HGTV, Landscapers Challenge.
Death by zombie with attractive scenery, or death by boredom via landscape design?
The Apocalypse just keeps looking better and better!
Death Becomes Me February 10, 2009
Posted by troyjen in Uncategorized.Tags: age_of_sarcastic_neurosis, birthday, humor, old, really_old, yes_that_old
add a comment
Its all over.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished. Darkness smothers me, sucking my will to live, corroding, suppressing, destroying even the slight of glimpse of potential of what could have been. Sadness is a constant companion, eating away the remnants idealism that somehow survived the age of sarcastic neurosis, only now to be defeated by the inevitable.
The unspeakable is now a reality……the end is near.
I am…….40. Perish the thought.
Looking down on my corpse-in-waiting facade, playing 5 card stud with the Grim Reaper, biding my time, I can hear former friends and associates reminiscing about the good old days “Remember, just the other day, when there was still at least a remote chance….some semblance of hope? When he was 39? But, that was a long, long time ago……24 hours ago.
You know what they say. 40 is the new “holy sh**, I can’t believe you are that old”.
How did this happen? One day, I was a punk lovin, goatee sportin, Mustang drive’n, angst ridden, juvenile delinquent. All of a sudden I’m trying to decide between an urn and “catacombs 3000″…..with built in webcam so you can watch decaying flesh in real time!
Hey, 40 is just a number…..I humongous, gigantic, morose, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” number.
So that’s it. To quote one of my former avatars…..This is the end, my only friend, the end.
My life was already an unglorious descent into mediocrity, an acidic combination of ironic bile and unavoidable dorkiness. This cute little milestone has simply provided and exclamation point to the depressing narrative that is “Troy”.
Whats that you say? Age is just a state of mind? Oh for the love of Nietzsche, shut up!
Breaking a Cardinal Rule January 21, 2009
Posted by troyjen in Uncategorized.Tags: cardinals, football, humor, superbowl
4 comments
The Arizona Cardinals are in the Superbowl…..Yes, THAT Superbowl. No, not the Stuperbowl, the Superbowl.
This just in. Mephistopheles has just sent an urgent telegram … requesting thermal undergarments [stop] please send heat lamps [stop] cold front down below has caused you-know-where to freeze over [stop].
Oh and look, outside my office window, there goes a flock of pork, soaring through the atmosphere.
The Arizona Cardinals are in the Superbowl…….is it even possible to use those words in a sentence without including the word “not”?
I mean c’mon! In this topsy turvey world we live in, there are few things you can consistently count on……pro wrestling is real, I look dashing in heels, and the Cardinals will NEVER go to the Superbowl. These type of truisms are my rock, my foundation……..and the tremors and destabilization is more than mildly disconcerting.
How did this happen? To the untrained eye, the 08/09 Cardinals were the Cardinals of old. Overpaid underperforming players, incredibly embarrassing losses, still playing in beautiful downtown Glendale (cities primarily known for antiquing generally are not seen as prime locals for Gridiron Glory).
Lets face it, the one variable that sets this year apart from other years is…….me.
I moved away from the valley of the sunburn, and a brown cloud was lifted. My highly refined and ominous collection of bad karma has migrated with me to the land-o-Hoosiers (sorry Peyton) and the results are obvious.
Of course, since knowledge is power (In this county, first you get the knowledge, then you get the power), I am determined to make the best of my ability to destroy the fortunes of any sporting franchise misfortunate enough to be within striking distance of my bad luck effervescence. For the right price, I will relocate to whatever region you request.
Red Sox fan? Make it worth my while, and a New Yorker I will be. Yankee’s fan? Show me the money and before you know it I’ll be sipping drinks at Cheer’s.
Trust me. Its worth your investment. Dissatisfaction is guaranteed!
Holiday Scars January 5, 2009
Posted by troyjen in Uncategorized.Tags: holiday, humor, lost, pain, scars, scheundenfreud
add a comment
You can keep your joy, and your season (I want the seasoning, but not the season). I am glad that Holiday 2008 is past tense.
Wounds and scars aplenty…….and now, for your schadenfreude -arriffic enjoyment.
Eagles 44, Cowboys 6: Rumor has it that Coach (currently still present tense) Wade Phillips gave the team the Holiday off without specifying that which “Holiday”. The team, in a plot that would make Jack Tripper proud, thought he meant New Years. What a crazy, and hilarious, mixup!
Return of the Killer Zit: After recovering from my gridiron depression utilizing various self medication approaches, at approximately 2 AM I noticed I had developed a third eye of sorts. Utilizing well honed insights from Mick in Rocky 1, I decided to bleed that sucker (and the follicle gods were angry that day, my friend). Of course, what idiotic overtreatment of a minor ailment would be complete without copious application of Hydrogen Peroxide……yes, I am that stupid. Thanks for asking. I was walkin in a puss filled wonderland! Most stories describing horrific wounds do not begin with the phrase “In an attempt to improve my complexion…”
Talkin to the Guys: O’Hare with a 4 year old is not for the faint of heart. Having survived the airport sprint chasing my little Houdini protege through bewildered and stunned fellow travelers, I thought the worst was over when we started boarding that spacious regional jet…….I know, I should always distrust optimism. About three feet from the plane door, my offspring known simply as “the precocious one” announces to me that he was going to go “Talk to the Guys”……weaves through the passengers in front of us and walks directly into the cockpit. Luckily the pilot and flight attendant found my horror amusing. Apparently there is nothing funnier than a horrified parent, assuming of course that you are not the parent.
The Rural Parade: Tempting fate, rather than simply sitting home this weekend to heal aforementioned Holiday scars, me and the fam decided to take a roadtrip to Indianapolis. The biggest negative about roadtripping from a somewhat rural area, is that the trip will often involve state highways in even more rural areas. And of course, state highways are routinely blocked by …… almost anything.
On the way back from Indy, a freight train, while blocking aforementioned state highway, stalls. Apparently the engine has “gone kaput”. The train is long enough that there is not a easy way around it, and it is not clear when it will move again. Oh, and of course, this state highway is really the only obvious way to go southward…..where basically everyone needed to go.
Several of us stranded travellers end up in a nearby gas station after some moderate 4 wheelin, debating what to do. A local women tries to give us “turn left at the old high school” type of directions. She quickly realizes that her Garmin imitation is futile and offers to act as our guide (ok, even a sad sack like myself has to admit this is incredibly generous).
And thus begins an odd seen of a line of approximately 10 cars following in funeral procession precision though a town center right out of back to the future……and hopefully to the promised land. It is a weird twist of fate no matter what level of life experience you may have, or education level you may have achieved, in certain circumstances, your expertise is worthless and someone you have never met, with what would appear to be limited life experience, has expertise that is priceless.
So, this parade of the pathetic finally reaches the point in which it can cross that great big rollin railroad and just before my beloved CRV is about to complete this glorious journey, the railroad lights begin to flicker. Apparently the train engine wasn’t as kaput as we were told……as I sat, in horror, watching freight cars zoom on by, stranded in beautiful nowhere, lost…….A victim of rail freight transportation, and likely limited ingenuity.
To summarize…….my investment in Da boys went bankrupt, I can’t treat a zit without requiring a skin graft, my bundle of joy gave me a minor aneurysm, and I got snookered by a freight train.
Happy to be back at work, I must say. Don’t worry, it wont last.
Lost, For the Most Part December 2, 2008
Posted by troyjen in Uncategorized.Tags: duck, Garmin, humor, lost, self
4 comments
I am……for lack of a better word……lost.
Physically? Regularly.
At some point during my brain cell destruction period (good times) I must have killed off the “following directions” neuron causing me to wonder aimlessly down dark country roads making random u-turns just to mix it up a little. Oh, and of course, as a male, I embrace my “not asking for directions” birthright. Last night was a particularly entertaining episode where I actually didn’t realize that the better half…..and when it comes to following directions, she is MUCH better…..had actually drawn me a map. It took extra effort to screw that one up.
Romantically? Sort of.
The little Mrs. has a favorite retort when I have gotten on that proverbial last nerve. Get lost……which of course is not that hard of a command for me to execute. I must admit, it is odd that a self proclaimed “King of Vulgaria” (No son, I said Duck) like myself could be successfully married to someone who chooses to use less colorful language. Its just ducken amazing.
Spiritually? Hard to tell.
To be spiritually lost, I think at one point I would have had to find my spiritual self……which I’m pretty sure has never happened. I once went on a journey (don’t stop believin…..wait, is Steve Perry suddenly Asian?) of self, but made a wrong turn at the corner of maturity and wisdom ending up mired in sarcasm and existential funk. On the bright side, at least I’m not stuck in existential groovy (I can’t slow down, and don’t want mornings to last).
Online? Undeniably!
It is a rare instance lately where I do not have conflicting meetings. Yes, I have become the “Can you repeat the question” guy that I loathe (I haven’t discovered my self, but I loathe myself…..ah the joy of the illogical). I have given up managing multiple Twats (the plural of Twitter…..like only Stephen Colbert can make up words) and basically just post to one now. Last week was the first week in awhile where I did not blog (c’mon, you know you missed me). I have developed an instant messaging tick, where every ping, in a nod to Pavlov, generates a John McCain blinking spasm. My face on facebook as recently developed a maniacally deranged vibe….But its a dry psychosis.
So……thus far I have just decided to embrace my losthood. Being lost is part of the beautiful devolution that is Troy. And thus, I shall remained permanently, defiantly, lost.
Or, maybe get a duckin Garmin.
Four Terrifying Words November 21, 2008
Posted by troyjen in Uncategorized.Tags: humor, terror, walmart
add a comment
Blood drained from my face, making my already Morlock-eon complexion even more blindingly pale. All feeling has emptied from my appendages (and not just the extra ones). I am simultaneously panic stricken and deflated…….by four terrifying words.
Future home of Walmart!
OH THE HUMANITY!!!!
What appeared to be harmless construction, with nondescript blue collar pawns workin for da weekend was really pure evil in its capitalist fomation. You know when you cross the river Styx (Hades has ta-ta-ta too much times on his hands) there is going to be a greeter there handing out smiley face buttons of doom. Yes, I fully expect Metistopholes to give me a hearty MWA HA HA HA HA, breathing fire through his nose, then direct me to the dorky display case at the end of the aisle.
Look, I wont even pretend like I don’t deserve this. I’ve earned my bad Karma one shallow, inappropriate, embarassing pun at a time….but C’mon universe, can I get some leniency here? Do I really have to deal with bargain hunting divas, with their matching sweats and crocks in the winter fashion flare, for the rest of my life? Will I really be forced to have a front row seat to the land of lead paint poisoning and customer service that would make Cesar Romero jealous (the zombie guy – stick with me).
And please, keep your claims of elitism to yourself. I am a Target-ian. Low cost can be done right – or at least with better produced TV ads. Also moving is not an option in this lovely foreclosure lovin real estate “market”. I have an emotional attachment to equity……its admittedly unrequited, but existent nonetheless.
So, similar to our governments initial reaction to the hilarious financial market conditions, I really think my best approach is denial. I’ll just pretend its not there……that my worst fears are not embodied in its ominpressant blue green moniker of pain.
Smiley faces notwithstanding.
Working As Designed November 4, 2008
Posted by troyjen in Uncategorized.Tags: humor support tech voting
3 comments
Tech support’s favorite get out of jail free card.
You see, in this alternative universe of tech support, where rebooting is the gospel and Monty Python is still relevant, what appears broken to…..um…….everyone else, may not actually be broken. If something is working as designed, even if it was designed by 14 drunken monkeys with a jigsaw puzzle (cite Dilbert 2007), its not really broken and therefore, does not need to be fixed.
In other words, don’t blame support, blame Micros…… (oops Freudian slip)…….I mean the designer.
Ok, so I can’t really give tech support a lot of grief. I can’t imagine handling their job. Lets face it, “supporting” the borderline neanderthal masses (remember the Macerena?) that harass them daily with hysteric vitriol before realizing they were suppose to, you know, recharge the battery is certainly beyond my skill or patience level.
That being said, the phrase “working as designed” has stuck in my head recently…..and I can’t get past it. Is that really good enough? What else out there appears broken but is really working as designed?
Seeing that today is November 4th, the attention of the world is focused on one singular fact. The Cowboys are 5 and 4……oh wait, there’s that election thing too. Now remember, its impolite to talk about sex, religion and politics. But luckily for you I operate in a realm where etiquette is no import……or morality, pride, personal hygiene…….wait, what was I talking about?
Oh yeah……voting stuff. We are on the eve of a historical, or is that hysterical…..election. There could be a new record set for voter turnout. And the current record is a whopping 66%. That’s right, this election might be so exciting that only 34% of the population wont care!
Ok, look, I can’t stomach the fact that 34% indifference is a good number. Something is definitely wrong with our political system where THAT many people not voting is acceptable.
And hence the question…….is the electoral process in the US broken, or is it working as designed? Is the process built so that a large number of people eligible to vote will be discouraged to do so?
Ok, that was a little deep. Let me slink back to my comfort zone of the sarcastic and the silly. Before I go there……just one thought. If the electoral process is working as designed…..the design is clearly flawed. Lets break it! And break it big time. Everybody vote today! Overwhelm the precinct coordinators! Heck, vote several times! It’ll totally freak the lawyers out!
I mean, if we break it, they’ll have to fix it right?……Or at least redesign it.
ESPN Breaking News: The Cowboys Wreaketh with Stinkiosty November 3, 2008
Posted by troyjen in Uncategorized.Tags: cowboys, espn, geraldo, humor, news
add a comment
File that in my “no @#$% Sherlock” section.
Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that my obsession with the Cowboys is clearly unhealthy and borderline criminal (hey, whats wrong with knowing the social security number of the Cowboys equipment manager?) but I feel some comfort in there being someone, or something, more obsessed with da boys than myself.
ESPN. Making sports nerdy for the masses.
Lets take this morning as an example. On Saturday, Texas Tech and Texas played what was by far the best college football game this year. Nascar has like 3 races left and the race for the cup is tigher than its been in years. Two perennial AFC powerhouses, the Colts and the Patriots, played a hotly contested contest, with the Colts hanging on for a 3 point win. And what was the lead story this morning?
The Cowboys stink!
Look, I’m not saying they didn’t. They have had an off year this year. And yesterday they were playing a good team with many of their key players injured. But help me out here. Everyone knew their key players were injured, that they are not that good anyway, they were 7 point underdogs. Why exactly is the fact that they played as poorly as expected headline news? And why lead with a game that was probably the most boring game of the day?
I mean, do you ever wonder what ESPN rehearsal meetings are like? A dramatization:
“Well team, what should we lead with today”?
“I gotta tell you – that Texas Tech/Texas game was amazing! Everybody is talking about it”.
“Yeah yeah yeah, whatever! Did you here that Carrie Underwood called Jessica Simpson fat? How can we tie that into Dallas being really really bad this year?”
Moment of Satori. Maybe that’s the problem. If Tony Romo could just date brunette’s for a change, the Cowboys could rebuild in anonymity? Just a thought.
Anyway this weekend should be interesting. The guys with the stars on their helmets have a bye week. It will be fun to see how ESPN will be able to contort themselves to make the Cowboys the lead story once again. I mean, why report the news when you can make the news?
With that in mind, why is it that they haven’t yet hired Geraldo?
Lunar Ponderings October 29, 2008
Posted by troyjen in Uncategorized.Tags: humor, lunar, moon, pain
2 comments
One small step for man, one giant leap for AAAAHHHHH!!!!
I’ll bet you didn’t realize that the lunar landing caused intense pain to the moon’s surface. That’s because you have never been the moon.
You see, recently my mischievous progeny has taken to all things lunar. The budding pre potty trained Neil Armstrong (although I guess Astronauts do wair diapers) ever since viewing the theatrical masterpiece known as Walle has talked constantly about “Owder Space” (guess that’s better than udder space when considering my recent decent into lactose intolerance).
Its truly amazing how many household items can double as a space vehicle – toothpaste, a hammer, hot wheels accesories etc. However apparently only one surface is sufficiently white and cratered enough to be considered lunar……..which would of course be my face.
I no longer am simply as old as the moon…..I am so old that I have literally become the moon.
Looking back on my life, the connection to my inner lunar self seems reaonable. The moon has no gravity, and as my blog postings attest, I clearly have no gravitas. I am white enough to reflect the sun (powder was a relative) and while I am connected to the civilized world, I only orbit it at a distance. While I do not control the Tides, I do use Tide (for High Efficiency washers). And now it makes sense why wolves howl at me (I always thought it was my embrace of cologne based on deer pheremone).
So embracing the orbiting sphere that I am, let me give you some lunar perspective:
- Astronaut is Astro NOT – You really don’t need to visit, especially if your landings are going to be so violent! Oh and THANKS so much for jamming a flag into my eye. Just because you landed on me doesn’t mean you OWN me (infer sassyness).
- Quit worshiping the Sun already. I’m much closer to him than you are and trust me, he’s not as bright as you think he is.
- I’m not full, I’m just big boned.
- Oh and just because I’m “out” doesn’t mean I’m trying to inspire romance. If your whole existense was based on reflection, you’d like to get out on occasion as well. Want to be romantic? Buy me NFL Sunday Ticket (FYI, from here the NY team does not look Giant).
Ok, I’m feeling a little blue. Time for me to go down for awhile. Plus good old Jupiter is rising. Once again, I’ve been eclipsed!
