People Suck November 13, 2009
Posted by troyjen in humor.Tags: hate, humor, people, suck
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I hate people.
Everyone that has ever humiliated me in front of my peers, rejected my invitation for a romantic dinner / escapade, mocked my eclectic fashion sense, tried to get me to drink bad beer, didn’t read my blog…..all people. Every single one.
Some skinny, some fat, some tall, some short, some stupid……ok, most stupid……but all 100% people.
The story……
Yesterday my son once again protested the necessity of scholastic boredom. However, what caught my attention was that instead of familiar “school is not fun” critique, my son didn’t want to venture into the land o standardized testing for a more disturbing reason……some one, a person I assume, at school was having a birthday party, and determined that his attendance, wasn’t required.
Rejection……public humiliation….and he’s 5 so he’ll probably remember this as the first time he has ever felt this way……for the rest of his life.
Of course my reaction to this news was more than reasonable. I merely responded “Tell Daddy who it was so I can hunt them down like the vermin they are and suck their will to live through mockery and the continuous play option on Barney DVDs” – you know, nothing extreme.
However after a quick chat with my wife (is it a chat when only one person is talking) I was reminded of two incontrovertible facts:
- I am mentally unbalanced
- As much as I would like to, there is absolutely nothing I can do about this situation other than teach my son how to deal with the fact that……people suck.
As I look back on the culmination of judgment errors I sentimentally refer to as “my past” it is amazing how impactful the tendency of all people to embrace their inner jerk has molded me into the person I am today. For example:
- If the person I considered to be my best friend when I was 9 hadn’t pulled the hilarious prank of ditching me at the playground….I may not have the developed the core principle that I should never trust or rely on anyone ever – really a touch stone for someone who makes their living doing analysis – trust data, not people.
- If I had never gone to Junior High (too many humiliating events here to reference just one) I may have not perfected the noxious blend of bitter sarcasm and nihilistic demogoguery that makes this blog so whimsical.
Ooh, moment of satori. After writing the above anecdotes one fact is abundantly clear…..I’m not a very likable person. Actually, the best thing about me is that, in a bizarre twist of fate, I have produced a beautiful, happy, child who brightens up any room he enters.
That’s right, he’s my EXACT OPPOSITE. The yin to my yang. His loving soul is needed to keep the universe in balance.
So, to the multitude of Jerks out there otherwise known as “people”, let me offer a humble suggestion. The next time you want to exhibit high levels of suckihood – do it to me, not my son. I’m already lost – he still has a chance.
You don’t want another me, blogging about you, in 30 years……and neither do I.
Reminds me of the time a “friend” of mine suggested that we play the “trust fall” game during recess: you know, you relax and let yourself fall backwards, trusting the other person will catch you. I caught her, but she let me fall on the ground and pointed and laughed.
You can learn a lot of things at school…
@Christina – That story is just cringe worthy. The most evil part about it was that it was her idea to play the game in the first place – totally premeditated. Wonder if she became a cheerleader in high school?
I read your blog because I hate myself too.
btw I hate my readers – all two of them so much – that I actually have the chutzpah to link them to this site. Beat that for moral turpitude.
@Juanny Cinco – Knowing that you have things in common with me will generate a certain amount of sympathy, at least from my relatives.
BTW, thanks for your moral turpitude…..I need at least some readers to keep the sarcasm factory running.