Bemused Embrace of Nihilism

After deep introspection and thoughtful analysis for an extended period of time – at least two minutes (after that my inner, check that outer, child took over and started watching SpongeBob reruns) I have come to a startling discovery that should shake the very foundations of the retail establishment in in land of the free credit.

Macy’s is evil!

Like a moment of satori, the nefarious intent of the consumerism god, with its all seeing eye hidden by a star, is abundantly clear.  It wants nothing more than to control our very existence, forcing us to unwillingly purchase useless items utilizing the “holiday myth” to maximize our hard earned credit limits.

That’s right, I said it. Holidays aren’t REAL. They are just a clever marketing scheme perpetuated by the Khakis laden overlord, to drum up sales.

Case in point……my wife usually goes to the Macy’s White  Flower Day sale. Anyone know what “White Flower Day” is? The only “White Flower” I am aware of (not much of a metro-horticulturist) is the Poppy……and while the Poppy certainly is impactful both as an economic engine and a mind altering agent, I hardly think it deserves a Holiday.

Ok, so what I find eye rolling is not so much the abuse of Holidays to promote reckless consumerism, but more how marketers feel like somehow if there is not a Holiday related pun in the ad, we are not going to understand the linkage between buying a new car and say the Declaration of Independence (Freedom to shop).

And, the king of a marketing pun Holidays is Halloween……hands down.

• Prices so good its scary!
• Join us at the performance fleece  Spooktacular!
• These prices are Frightening low!
• Open early, for all good little boys and ghouls (my personal favorite)!

Look, I miss a lot of things because I have a Twitter attention span…..but can someone clue me in on what the connection is between Old Hallows Eve and purchasing power? There’s just something about horror, blood and gore that incites within me the Pavlovian urge to acquire DearFoams. And notice how these marketers have an OED, obsessive exclamation disorder. Now I am not a grammar king (my kingdom for a conjunction), but I have been led to believe that there are other punctuation options.

There are a lot of other companies cashing in on this trend, but using a more subtle approach. For instance, Intel Inside could be considered pretty chilling if they were inside a who, instead of a what. What if Intel was inside Glenn Beck? Talk about ghoulish.

Microsoft has the slogan I’m a PC, which needs no additional Halloweenification. Essentially they are saying “I am the living dead.” C’mon, its obvious. Bill Gates has been a zombie for years.

Ok, one more. The KFC slogan “Finger Lickin Good” is an over-the-top shout out to either cannibalism or rage disease. I mean, once you start at the fingers, its hard to just stop there……according to Lays potato chips, you can’t eat just one.

Ok, that’s enough silly sarcastic bile for one day.

Plus, the length of this post is frightening!