Bemused Embrace of Nihilism

Web MD should come with a warning label i.e. “The surgeon general has found that the content of this site can result in spontaneous cranial combustion for those with a family history of PFD Psychotic Freakout Disorder.”

That was a little long. Lets make it bumper sticker ready. “Web MD, its crack for the Hypochondriac”. Ok, one more – “Web MD, putting the Hype back in Hypochondria one irrational overreaction at a time”.

Yes, there’s a story behind there. Don’t worry, I’ll get there. I’m not a tease. I don’t think there is such thing as a sarcastic, nihilistic tease – except for maybe Sartre, the teenage years.   Naa, naa, naa, naa, naa – you can’t catch me – because your whole existence is an illusion. “Jean-Paul, stop inducing an existential crisis on your sister!”

Oh right, the story.

So apparently I have entered the “vision optional” phase of my inevitable decline into patheticness – also known as Dante’s 5th level of dork (the divine emasculation). Come to think of it, “vision optional” is a cool thing to put on your resume if you are applying to be say…… CEO of GM. Hey, worked out well for Rick Waggoner.

Anyway, I woke up last Monday morning with bloodshot eyes – which of course is normal for the sleep deprived Twitter addict. However, when signing on to my daily “mentally vomitting in 140 characters” constitutional something was missing. My ability to clearly read the meaningless blather in front of me. Which meant that I was ahead for the day.

However, rather than cash in my karma winnings, I decided to self diagnose my suddenly blurry state by visiting Web MD – you know, because I really hate me and wanted to engage in some self torture.

And a lovely torture it was.

Within the spate of about 30 minutes, I had convinced myself that I was likely diabetic, with cataracts, lyme disease, and likely in need of a blood transfusion. Oh, almost forgot – a brain tumor is also likely and, I really should turn off my fat switch…..been meaning to do that for awhile (the sarcastic switch is permanently in the on position).

Of course, it never dawned on me that I might have actually, you know, injured my eye…..which turned out to be the case. I somehow managed to scrape my cornea during my sleep. That’s right, even while in REM I was apparently still clutzy enough to poke my eyes out. Not a happy outcome, but better than a brain tumor.

Back to Web MD (Masochistic Devolution). I have always embraced the notion of my inner hippee when proclaiming “yo gonna smoke that?”  Wait a second, that’s the wrong phrase…..the one I am looking for is “Knowledge is power”.

While I think this is undeniably true, in the case of Web MD, its not clear that this is a good thing. You know Knowledge is power, but power can submit radiation – especially if you are near power lines, or are a habitual cell phone user. Such radiation could lead to brain tumors. Often the first sign of brain tumors is bloodshot eyes – you should really have that checked out. Oh, and don’t forget to turn off your fat switch.

You get the point.

So, here’s another poorly documented unwanted opinion from the sarcastic blowhard known as Troy. Somethings are better not knowing. Step away from the laptop, pick up the phone, and call a practicing physician (practice makes perfect). Then you can sit on butcher paper, have your blood pressure taken, and be made aware of how overweight you are just to eventually find out you scratched your eye.

Humiliating? Sure. But I’ll take humiliating over hyperventilating any day.