Bemused Embrace of Nihilism

Me man – ugh – me no get phone  – ugh – me buy some?

Ok, Verizon – I get it. You think I’m really really stupid. For some reason, you think if you magnify that stupidity in TV advertising, that will start an age of enlightenment. That your uber clever ad will inspire me to verbally proclaim “Finally someone “get’s” me. They know that I have the deliberative capability of a 3 year old! I will buy whatever it is they want to sell!”

The latest Ad Noxious which plays Ad Nauseum, and compels me to vociferate Ad Hominems, plays out in a ice cream parlor. It is a playfull metaphor, where sprinkles on an ice cream scoop represent Verizon’s future net worth? Wait that’s not it – it probably represents the number of people who think this ad is entertaining?

Oh right, I almost forgot. I’m stupid! (All men apparently are). There’s no way I can decipher such a complicated metaphor. I shall therefore, dump all of the sprinkles on top of the single ice cream scoop to dramatize my idiocy.

And subsequently, I will engage in a quest to acquire all possible Verizon offerings. Who wouldn’t? Because they understand my inability to grasp proportionality and basic custard etiquette, I’m sure they will create a mono-syllabic contract that I might be able to grasp if I can manage to sound out the words.

Ok, if you wanted to build a case that I am not exactly omniscient, it wouldn’t be difficult to gather reams of circumstantial evidence. But, why would magnifying my inner neanderthal make me want to buy your product? Maybe its just me, but when giving up something I hold deer i.e. my money, I’d rather someone play to my inflated ego, than my pessimistic realism of continual mental devolution.

An example – Captain Morgans.

Look, the Captain is as close to rot gut as rum can be, but its ad campaign promotes its consumers as witty, daring, and somewhat devious. Don’t get me wrong – I know Captain drinkers. The description is anything but accurate. But it is appealing…..and that’s the point!

Ok, maybe you’ve decided that primarily women purchase your little mobile torture device and related cancer inducing communication transmissions. Fine! Forget that whole male demographic thingy. Whatever!

Well, to that, I soundly declare, you little bespeckled wannabe bourgeois brat, I can’t hear you now!

And……I never will again!!