Bemused Embrace of Nihilism

My entire life I’ve been referred to, quite accurately, as sick and wrong. However, a high percentage of those references were related to my creative take on morality i.e. I coined the phrase WWMRD – What Would Mickey Rourke Do?

Rather than try and change this popular perception being a sick and wrong spokesperson by doing something traumatic (like say introspection), I have decided to leverage it, like my mortgage, making it available to the world for appropriate devaluation.

Sick

2009, being the year of pain and puke (ok, its the Ox but for a Monkey like myself, same diff) Karma has rewarded me for years of questionable ethics with a recurring  case o da flu, minus the swine.

The cruel joke of my perennial ode to mucus, is that occasionally I will start feeling better – driven by an unwise mixture of over the counter meds, and old prescriptions – only for the infection rapidly enveloping my ear drum to yell “Psyche” with a frat boy derogatory lilt in its voice (moment of satori – all my internal voices replicate vocal patterns of jerks I hated in High School).

After months of doctor avoidance techniques based mostly on denial i.e. “everybody snorts 3 doses of  Nasonex in the morning these days ” – a visit from the bile fairy, while in Barnes and Noble no less convinced me that a trip to the white coated one would be prescient. Oh, a tip to my fellow consumers – if someone is barreling down the escalator damning a flood of puke in their facial reservoir with a sieve like finger technique, you may want to, you know, move and stuff.

Ok, why does a visit to the family doc require a certain amount of ritual, no matter what your ailment? Why does sinus pressure require a weigh-in? Apparently your friendly physician needs to ensure you are sufficiently humiliated to ensure you will actually be receptive to their quack medical advice. Of course, then comes the blood pressure check. I did not realize my nasal passages are connected to key arteries – gives a whole new meaning to the phrase full of snot (my parents were not profane, but somehow I learned on my own – that’s right, I’m an over achiever).

Alright, I sorta get the weight and blood pressure “thing” ……but from my perspective, the colonoscopy was completely unnecessary.

Luckily, I have a new verbal weapon to put my “saint in surgical garb” on the defense

Medical Marijuana.

Look, I’ve never had a malady that came even close to requiring Cannibis Care, but that’s not really the fun part anyway. The fun part is simply posing the query, and watching Doogie Houser squirm. “Who feels uncomfortable now doc”? By the way, if you live in Cali, this may not work. You better be ready to go Michael Phelps on that baby.

To wrap this section up, the visit did end on a high note. Barnaby Jones gave me a “probably shouldn’t be legal but what the heck” drug powerful enough to kill a small horse.

Wrong

Sticking with the powerful drug thing, lets jump over to our old pal, Crazy Manny. Although now that I think of it, Manny’s drugs should probably be referred to as “sensitive” instead of powerful.

Look, use of performance enhancing drugs is hardly headline news these days, but the fact that Manny’s choice of performance enhancement was a Female Fertility drug seems awfully suspicious. Someone should check into any sudden bulk payments from Comedy Central because these jokes are almost too easy. A sampling:

• Ramirez steps up to the plate, its a 3, 2 count, runners on first and third, his ovulation cycle is at its peak……
• Trainers have recently refused to work out the kinks in Manny’s hamstrings – creeped out by the fact that Manny kept referring to such sessions as “tender moments” and sending them Hallmark cards.
• Waiter: How would you like your eggs? – Manny: Fertilized

Ok, another Cali gem……that would be “Mis-California”.  She certainly has a flair for linguistic Anarchy (with a Rebel conjunction, she cry more, more, more). Opposite marriage? Opposite of what?

I would consider Hugh Heffner’s lifestyle to be the opposite of marriage. And while I’m sure deep inside his inner self is crying, most men would agree that’s a small price to pay for having part of your swimming pool referred to as the “Grotto”.

I guess truly opposite marriage would likely have to involve some alternate species considerations – and that never really works out…..ask Kermit.

Of course, now that I think of it, I have probably been practicing opposite marriage. My wife is smart, articulate, polite, and sophisticated – you could even say my polar opposite.

I just realized that all of my “wrong” topics were about “the other” not myself. What a coincidence. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are times that I’ve been wrong, I just don’t remember any – A pleasant side effect to my sinus tranquilizers, convenient memory loss.

To sum up…..Sick, most certainly but sufficiently medicated that I don’t care. Wrong, Manny & Mis-Cali – probably me as well once my memory returns. On the other hand, maybe I should learn from Manny and get in touch with my fertility…..

Psyche!