Bemused Embrace of Nihilism

Why buy a reasonable volume of a particular food item when you can buy a [Redacted] load of the same item for a moderate reduction in price? If that’s not Costco’s slogan, it should be. That’s the real reason people buy mini-vans these days…..its to avoid having to make a U-haul transaction prior to every Costco run.

Following that logic, after a recent Costco sojourn (I am an intrepid box store traveler) we “harvested” (it’s fun to pretend like I’m agrarian) more apples than Johnny Appleseed after Sudafed and a Quad Expresso (my current elixir of choice). Now, since apples don’t last forever (or at least not until they upgrade their battery) my wife and I had to come up with a method to consume of this apparently very fibrous fruit prior to the upcoming “browning”.

Of course, we wanted to maintain our reputation in the community (no one wants to be known as “those healthy people”). Thus, we settled on dipping them in caramel (deep frying was too impractical). Since one of my friends was coming over the pretend to watch a sporting event as an excuse to drink beer, this seemed to be a perfect opportunity to reduce our apple overhead and optimize our supply chain.

And then, as is often the case when alcohol consumption is involved, magic happened.

After consuming beer and apples over the course of the afternoon, we noticed something was missing. Bad jokes remained bad.  No one started saying “Dude” compulsively. We had been drinking beer, but were not actually getting drunk!

Now, I realize in the blogosphere that I am well known for my scientific knowledge but must admit, this result was unanticipated. Something in the apples must have been counteracting the impact of the beer resulting in an awkward, “alert and aware” state of consciousness. This will likely go down as one of the most significant accidental culinary discoveries in history….right up there with the day one Tenor accidentally dropped their chocolate bar in peanut butter of a Soprano.

So, now that I have staked my claim as an explorer of alcohol related mysteries, I am considering a new title…..the Vasco Da Gamma of beer (god bless Amerigo Vespuci). Discovery channel, here I come!